Mom's Apple Squares
You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting -
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.
- Mary Oliver
I teach a weekly mindfulness class at my practicum site to patients suffering from chronic pain. I'm also finally taking an 8 week Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) class myself right now so mindfulness has been on mind a lot recently.
I teach my class every week and wonder how I will attempt to articulate to my patients that instead of ignoring, fighting, or trying to fix their pain they should actually sit with and attune to their pain. Creating some space and acceptance for their pain and their experience of it. I tell patients this and I get a lot of looks from people who think I must be out of my mind because why on earth would they want to be with pain? This becomes even more uncomfortable coming from someone who doesn't truly get what it's like to live with chronic pain. How easy it is for me to teach when I don't truly understand.
Then, this week I was personally struggling with anxiety so consuming it felt debilitating. And for the first time came to understand Mary Oliver's famous Wild Geese poem that I must have heard a thousand times but never really understood. The poem says that despite our suffering, the world lends itself to us, moment by moment. All we have to do is open our senses and plug into it.
My work this week has been to stay will my anxiety, to watch it wash over me like a wave with a rip current so strong it threatens to pull me under. To sit with it, and notice how intense and consuming it feels in my body. To be with it's intricacies. Pema Chodron talks about how quick we are to pull away from our heavy experiences. She uses the metaphor of staying with the experience, taking off our shoes and coat and walking around in our experience for a while, getting to know it more intimately.
To watch as this anxiety rushes through me, and stay with the experience of it until it dissipates or evolves into something else. And it will. It will change and evolve, it will become manageable. And then it will probably come back again. And the closer I can stay to the experience of it all, the sooner it will pass. And although my anxiety is undoubtedly much different than living with chronic pain, I feel that it has helped me connect more deeply to the patients I work with. It has reminded me on my bike rides to work that the world offers itself to me through the changing leaves on the trees in lincoln park and the reflection of the cars on lakeshore drive on the glassy water. It reminds me through my dog's adorable way of nuzzling her head against my chest when she knows I really need it. It reminds me through the crisp air that makes contact with my skin as I feel the seasons change. It reminds me through my intimate connection to the saving grace that is my breath, that is there for me to use it at any second of any day. The world around us is there to support and carry us, should we be brave enough to look outside of ourselves and connect to it.
I feel so strongly about this work. I feel so strongly that by attuning to and being with our experience we can find healing within ourselves. And I'm not sure how all of this relates to these apple bars but I felt the need to share.
This recipe is my mom's. I ate it most Falls growing up. My mom is the type of person who always has at least 5 different types of breads, cookies, and desserts in the freezer or fridge defrosting at any given point. And even though I might have replaced the all purpose flour for oat flour, it still tastes like the original. It's sweet and moist and loaded with apples which is great if you're like me and came home with way too many after a day of apple picking.
3 large (flax or regular) eggs*
1 cup cane sugar
1/4 cup real maple syrup
3/4 cups olive oil
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
2 cups oat flour (I blended 2 cups old fashioned oats in a blender)
1 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 1/2 teaspoon cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon ground ginger
1/4 teaspoon nutmeg
4 apples (~1.5 pounds), peeled cored and very thinly sliced
Notes: I've made this recipe with both flax and regular eggs. If using flax eggs, combine 3 tablespoons of flax seed meal with 1/2 cup minus 1.5 teaspoons water in a small prep bowl. Stir to combine and let sit while you prepare the other ingredients. Use this mixture in place of the 3 eggs.
Preheat the oven to 325 degrees and lightly grease a 9x13 inch (or something close) pan.
Combine oat flour, salt, baking soda, and spices in a medium bowl and whisk to combine. In a large bowl whisk together the eggs, sugar, maple syrup, olive oil, and vanilla. Gentle pour the dry ingredients into the wet and stir to combine. Gently fold in the apples. Pour the mixture into the pan and use a spatula to flatten out the top, ensuring that apples are evenly distributed.
Bake for 1 hour - 1 hour and 10 minutes until the top is lightly crisped and browned and a toothpick comes out clean. Let cool, then cut into squares and serve.
These are particularly fantastic server warm with vanilla bean ice cream.
Raspberry White Chocolate Cookies
From my experience, I've learned the world is divided into two camps. One is "team tutti-fruity". This camp is made up of people who love sweets like gummy bears, jelly beans, and twizzlers. My husband lives on this team, as I frequently find sour gummies covered in sugar hidden behind the seat in his car. Oh the shame.
Then there is "team chocolate" of which I've been a member my whole life. The darker, the richer, the better! I also happen to come from a long line of chocolate lovers. In fact, I distinctly have memories of my dad insisting that white chocolate is not actually chocolate at all and is therefore not even worthy of the name. And I must admit, I agree. I mean how can something that doesn't even contain cocoa be called chocolate?
So if you've been following this blog for a while, my chocolate obsession is no secret. In fact, chocolate partnered with berries is probably my favorite flavor combination in the world. Something about the warm richness of dark chocolate partnered with the sharp tartness of perfectly ripe berries.
So to my fellow dark chocolate lovers (and to myself!), I feel I must apologize. I have momentarily betrayed you. Accept my sincerest condolences in the form of:
Dark Chocolate Cranberry Crumble Cake
Dark Chocolate Bark with Pomegranate, Sea Salt & Cookie Crumbs
Chocolate Doughnuts with Real Strawberry Icing
Angel Food Cake With Dark Chocolate Whipped Cream & Pomegranate Syrup
No-Bake Chocolate Peanut Butter Brownie Bites
Homemade Dark Chocolate Nutella
DIY Dark Chocolate Speculoos Cookie Butter Cups With Sea Salt
But let me just say these cookies are everything. And as possibly the world's greatest white chocolate skeptic, I can whole-heartedly say that it works, in a surprising and fantastic way. And white chocolate aside, when I attempted to throw whole frozen raspberries into my favorite chocolate chip cookie recipe, I had serious doubts. I figured they would get soggy, the berries wouldn't cook through, the cookies would turn into a mess. But somehow, it worked and the result is perfect.
I hope you have a lovely christmas. I hope time spent traveling is done so safely, and I hope the next week provides you with some time to relax and take care of yourself. I hope that if things do get stressful, as they often can when holiday expectations are partnered with family, that you eat and share these cookies. Because somehow food has a way of transcending us, I think. Of blurring the lines of generation and political affiliation. Good food is something I think (and I hope!) we can all get behind. And I sincerely thank you for letting me share mine with you all year long. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.
Makes about 29 cookies
adapted from: Date Night In
Ingredients:
1/2 cup unsalted butter, room temperature
2 tablespoons granulated cane sugar
2 tablespoons turbinado sugar
3/4 cup + 2 tablespoons brown sugar
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 large egg, room temperature
1 3/4 cup all purpose flour
3/4 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
4 oz white chocolate chips, ~heaping 1/2 cup
5 oz frozen raspberries, ~ 1 heaping cup
fluer de sel (for finishing)
Preheat the oven to 360 degree and line two large baking sheets with parchment.
In the bowl of a stand mixer, cream the butter and sugars together for about 5 minutes until the mixture is light color and smooth in consistency. Scrape the sides of the bowl with a rubber spatula as needed. Meanwhile, in a medium bowl, whisk together the flour, baking soda, and salt. With the mixer on low, add in the egg and vanilla and continue to mix until fully incorporated.
With the mixer still on low, slowly scoop the flour mixture into the butter mixture. Continue until no streaks of flour remain. You will likely need to scape the sides of the bowl a couple times. Add the chocolate chips and mix to combine.
Remove the bowl from the stand mixer, and pour in frozen raspberries. Using a spatula or wooden spoon, gentle integrate the raspberries into the dough. Though some will inevitably become smashed, try to keep the whole raspberries intact.
Using a small cookie scoop or spoon, scoop the dough into balls and line onto the baking sheet. Bake for 11-15 minutes (I did 12 minutes for very gooey but cooked cookies) until slightly golden on top. Let cool for 5 minutes, then sprinkle with sea salt and serve.
Notes:
Have extra dough or want to make it ahead? I recommend scooping the finished dough into cookie dough balls then freezing in a freezer bag until you're ready to bake. Alternately you could form a log of cookie dough and slice and bake when ready. You will likely need an extra minute or two of baking time if cookies are frozen.
Although it's ok, I do not recommend refrigerating the dough once the raspberries are incorporated. The raspberries will melt and their juices will make things messy resulting in streaky blue (though still very tastey) bruised-looking cookies.
Spiced Apple & Oat Pancakes
Breakfast has always been my favorite meal of the day. Unfortunately it's also the most neglected and the least thought about for most people, myself sadly included. So on weekend mornings, after sleeping in the for the first time all week, I almost always wake up craving a warm home-cooked breakfast. This is no more true than when the seasons change in the Fall.
These pancakes represent all that is good and cozy in the world. I've made some version of them nearly a dozen times. They are chock full of so much freshly grated apple, we endearingly refer to them as apple latkes. They are spiked with fresh apple cider (bonus points if you get it from a local farmer's market!) and sweetened with real maple syrup. They have just enough oats to make them filling and hardy. Perfect for lazy Sunday fall mornings.
Makes about 12 pancakes
adapted from: Smitten Kitchen
Ingredients:
3/4 cup milk, any kind (I used almond)
1/2 cup apple cider (or sub more milk)
2 large eggs
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
3 tablespoons real maple syrup
2 cups freshly grated peeled apple (~ 2 medium apples)
1 1/4 cup whole wheat pastry flour
3/4 cup old-fashioned oats
1 teaspoon baking powder
2 teaspoons cinnamon
1 teaspoon nutmeg
1/2 teaspoon all spice
1/2 teaspoon salt
unsalted butter for cooking
In a large bowl combine the milk, cider, eggs, vanilla, and maple syrup. Peel and core the apples then grate them using either the grating attachment of a food processor or a box grater. Measure out exactly 2 cups. (More and they had trouble cooking through). Set aside.
In a medium bowl whisk together the flour, oats, baking powder, cinnamon, nutmeg, allspice, and salt. Pour the dry ingredients into the wet ingredients and stir until just combined. Add in the apples and stir until integrated.
Warm a fry pan over medium heat. Once hot, add a thick slice of butter to the skillet and top with 1/4 cup dollops of batter. Flip once brown and crispy on the bottom. Continue with remaining batter, adding butter each time. Serve hot!