On Monday, May 13th I had a 39 week midwife appointment. At this point my last day of work had been 10 days prior. Both of my previous labors had begun within 24 hours of ending work (although I did stop working a bit earlier at 38 weeks this time). In both of my prior labors things started brewing on Friday and my kiddos were born Monday morning at 1am (Frankie) and Sunday at 1pm (Arlo). So I really expected this little one to make their entrance that first weekend after my last day of work. That weekend came and went, as did the whole following week and the following weekend which was Mother’s Day. I attended chiropractor appointments, and walked Greenlake, I rested, drank red raspberry leaf tea and ate dates. I practiced hypnobabies meditations and I started growing impatient. Despite all this physically, I was feeling really good. I’d been really intentional about remaining active this pregnancy - nothing too intense but regular gentle movement nearly everyday. At this point what felt the best was walking. I wasn’t in any pain, I was sleeping through the night most nights (thank you topical magnesium), and the acid reflux I’d had for weeks had largely resolved. I remember repeatedly thinking to myself I could maintain this for several more weeks. At this point in previous pregnancies I was in way more discomfort (with Frankie) and pain (with Arlo). With Frankie I was convinced I had a UTI because the pressure in my pelvis was so great and I was peeing every 45 minutes. With Arlo I had pubic symphysis pain so bad I could barely walk, let alone exercise, from nearly 6 months onward. His pregnancy in particular left me feeling like a stranger in my body. So this time felt refreshingly different. I felt strong and embodied, I felt in awe of my body and confident in its abilities. This pregnancy had truly been a lesson that each pregnancy, and baby, is unique, and independent of those prior. It was this fact that gave me the most hope for my birth and distilled a lot of fear I had after my pregnancy and birth with Arlo.

So I was feeling good! Then Sunday night as I was putting Arlo back into his bed for the 10th time, I slipped on a magnatile and experienced the most shearing pubic bone pain ever. This was the last thing I needed as I prepared for birth. I cried and felt so defeated like all of my progress had been negated. Enter my Monday morning midwife appointment. I told the midwife about my magnatile slip and conveyed how tired and ready to be done I was. Then I asked for a membrane sweep to hopefully speed things along. I went into it wanting to know how dilated I was, but knew that I needed to take whatever number I was at with a grain of salt. For some context, I was 4 cm dilated, significantly effaced, with baby really low in my pelvis for WEEKS with Arlo. According to that his birth should have been soon, quick and easy, and it turned out to be everything but.

I had forgotten how awful cervical checks are. The midwife told me I was 3cm, but that my cervix was posterior (really hard to reach), very thick (i.e. lots of progress still to be made), and that my baby was still very very high. Despite my best efforts to remind myself this could mean nothing, I left feeling discouraged. Also she said based on the way everything felt she would not be able to give me a membrane sweep that day but that we could revisit it again in a week if I wanted.

I left the appointment mentally preparing to go at least another week. Perhaps the “wild card” part of this 3rd pregnancy would be me reaching my due date for the first time with no baby or labor in sight. Later that afternoon I got a massage and then took a barre class in the evening.

Tuesday, May 14th

I woke up feeling incredibly rested, albeit a little disappointed to still be pregnant, after a super solid night of sleep. Since I’d stopped working I’d been dropping the kids off at school every morning. It was a hectic morning making breakfast (I made myself a veggie scramble) and shuffling the kids out the door. I got them to daycare with barely enough time to make it to my 11am chiropractor appointment in Fremont. We were driving a loaner car since the battery on our car was being replaced, less than ideal timing. I had a good chiropractic session, baby was in a great position and my body was feeling aligned. I left and figured I might as well keep the momentum going and head straight to Greenlake for a walk. I’d been so drawn to walks around Greenlake for weeks now. Something about slow steady movement around a large body of water felt so grounding. We’d been going weekly on the weekends with the kids, they would ride their bikes and Nate and I would walk alongside. Since I ended work I’d walked Greenlake maybe 3 times a week, solo, Trevor Hall playing in my earphones. It really helped get me in a good headspace for birth but also served as a reminder of my body’s strength. I quickly filled the car up with gas (something I haven’t done in over 3 years since owning an EV) and started my walk.

It was a beautiful day. Sunny with a light breeze, few clouds in the sky, but cool. Each 3-mile walk around the lake seemed to be slower and slower than the one I’d done a couple days prior. As I walked I wondered when their birthday would be, we had recently passed so many major events: Frankie’s birthday on April 29, Nate & my anniversary of dating on May 4, Mother’s day on the 12th, and tomorrow the 15th was my birthday. I’d been telling myself this whole pregnancy that all I wanted was a baby in my arms by my birthday. In fact, years ago after Arlo was born I vividly remember telling Nate that I don’t know when we’ll have a 3rd but I’d love to aim for some time before I turn 36. We were currently less than 12 hours out from that. I’d also grown so attached to the idea of having another little Taurus join our family (Frankie and I are both Tauruses and I love that we share that together).

After Arlo’s birth, our doula really helped me process and make meaning out of how things unfolded. We talked about how often our birth unfolds in the way the baby needs it to unfold for reasons we don’t always understand as it’s happening. I also love the idea that pregnancy and birth prepare us and present us with the specific lessons needed to parent that particular child. As I walked that day I thought about how I haven’t learned all the lessons I’m going to learn in my birthing journeys, how this child has more to teach me. It felt humbling but also scary to wonder what next lesson lay on the horizon.

I stopped at fleet feet to grab some compression socks per my midwife’s recommendation for my feet and ankles that had started swelling really badly during the past warm weekend. When I made it back to my car I did a ton of curb walking. I felt really strong. Then I hopped in the car and headed to PCC to grab some evening primrose oil, another labor stimulation recommendation from my midwife.

When I got to PCC the braxton hicks contractions I’d been having constantly for months seemed to turn into regular contractions. By that I mean they had more of a pattern, rose slowly to a peak and then fell again. I texted Nate at 3:05 “Okay these are starting to feel more like contractions. Really”. Followed by “F*ck I want this baby to COME!!”. I gathered up some snacks from PCC and headed home. I remember having a contraction at the closest major intersection to our home and then having another right after I parked. They felt close together. I texted Nate “Ok these are real” at 3:30pm then headed upstairs. When we got upstairs we prepped the apartment together, picking up kids toys, vacuuming the floors, and taking care of some last minute tasks like renewing my psychologist license which was due the following day. I texted my doula letting her know what I was experiencing but told her that it’s possible that I was just tired and they would fizzle out. Then around 4:30pm I went to the bathroom and saw what looked like some mucus plug. I thought perhaps this is the real thing.

{I should take a minute to provide some context for why I was having such a hard time accepting that this was real. Both of my kiddos were born at home. With my first baby in 2019 I had 3 days of prodromal labor, contractions 5-10 minutes apart, before active labor took off lasting only about 4 hours and my daughter, Frankie, was born in what was the most empowering experience of my life. Then just 2 short years later, I was told my labor with my second would be so much quicker and easier and really attached myself to the idea of a smooth birth. My son’s birth turned out to be everything but quick and easy. Arlo was born during the weekend of the crazy heat wave in June 2021. My active labor lasted about 5 times as long as my active labor with my first, I had what felt like all the interventions including multiple cervical checks, the breaking of my water, multiple shots of pitocin because of excessive bleeding, a second degree tear (I had a first degree tear that didn’t require stitches after my first - so lucky!) and the cherry on top was the fire department coming to our apartment so they could transfer us via ambulance to the NICU because my son had breathing concerns that resolved almost immediately upon transfer but still left us sleeping on chairs in his NICU room my first night postpartum. Of all of the challenges Arlo’s birth presented me with I think the hardest was the mental letting go of my expectations. Needless to say, my desire for a smooth uncomplicated, redemptive birth was so strong this time. And I knew better than to attach myself to particular expectations. I feel like I’d truly gotten myself in a headspace of surrender and prepared for anything this time around.}

Nate and I wrapped things up around the apartment at 5:30pm and left to go pick up our kids from daycare. I was giddy as I walked through the neighborhood, I kept looking over at Nate smiling like we were keeping this mischievous secret that I was potentially in labor, just casually going to pick up our kids. We ran into a couple other parents who we’d seen 3 days prior at a birthday party. They gave me a look of pity and said something like “still pregnant!”. I said “yes, but I think it will be soon” as I hid the contraction I was having. “How soon?” they said “Pretty soon” I responded. As soon as we grabbed the kids and were out of there I couldn’t help but pull Frankie in and whisper to her that I think the baby might be coming tonight or tomorrow, I told her it could be another couple of days but it might be happening tonight. She was so excited.

We walked to the park where the kids played for 20 minutes while Nate picked up a book from the library he was hoping to read on parental leave. I’d really prepped our kids on the sounds I’d likely make during labor and pushing for months now. As we walked down the street the two of them moaned and made pushing sounds then burst out laughing. At the park, I ran into another parent we knew and casually chatted with him while hiding the fact that I was having contractions. We headed home around 6:30pm, I leaned into all the walking because it is what had brought these contractions on. It was looking more and more like this baby might be born on my birthday, after all we were less than 6 hours away from midnight and this was only early labor. I told Nate I wasn’t sure how I felt about sharing a birthday with this baby.

When we got home I texted our midwife to let her know what was up then to test things out I decided to lay down and have a big bottle of water with electrolytes. If this wasn’t really labor, rest and fluids might scare the contractions away. They didn’t. As I rested I turned on my first hypnobabies track. It helped me stay calm and relaxed as I started timing contractions. At 7:15pm they were about 5-6 Minutes apart, lasting just under a minute, but still so mild and manageable. Nate fed and bathed our kids while I rested. I jotted down some of my favorite birth affirmations on my phone. “I deserve a comfortable, easy, uncomplicated birth” was the one affirmation I’d been drawn to over and over again this pregnancy. Hearing it actually often made me tear up.

Around 8:45 noticed more mucus plug. At 9:07 I called my midwife to update her on things. She was only 8 minutes away checking in on another mom but would arrange to come by here afterwards in the next hour or so unless I needed her sooner. That timing felt good to me. At 9:20pm I snapped some photos of my pregnant belly in the mirror, trying to savor it knowing my time with this baby on the inside was ending. How proud and in awe I was of this body, of what it had accomplished in the last 9 months. (These are the last photos I took of myself pregnant and I cherish them).

Somehow still wanting to test the theory that I was in actual labor, I drew myself an epsom salt bath, just to see if it stopped my contractions. It didn’t. But it did feel really good and significantly took the edge off of them. I swear warm water is nature’s epidural. I rested in the bath, continuing to listen to the hypnobabies tracks. In a moment of quiet with just me and my baby, I reassured them on what was about to happen, that even though it was their first time I’d done it twice before and that it might be a little intense but that they were safe and we were going to work together to bring them into the world where there were so many people who couldn’t wait to hold and them love.

Nate came in to sit with me. I was beginning to think this was only going to move forward. As it became more real, fears really started coming up for me. Even under the most ideal circumstances birth is intense and unpredictable. I named all these fears to Nate, the biggest being a hospital transfer, but also fears that aspects of Arlo’s birth would repeat themselves. It felt oddly therapeutic, like by naming my fears I could let them go.

I got out of the tub and got dressed. Frankie wandered into my room around this time and said “Mom, I think the baby is coming tonight. You’re sounding like the baby is coming tonight”. I told her that she was probably right.

We arranged for our doula to arrive, she planned to gather up her things and head our way. At 10:38pm I called our midwife again to check in, I was able to talk completely normally between contractions. We both agreed I was probably somewhere near the end of early labor and the beginning of active labor. We had time. While we waited, I rested in an exaggerated side lying position on our bed while Nate pressed a heating pad into my back on each contraction. It worked so well. Our doula arrived at 10:50pm which felt like perfect timing. A part of me thought it would be helpful to have her there as an extra set of hands while getting my kids in bed, but I was coping well with Nate’s divided attention and miraculously my kids went to sleep effortlessly on their own.

When our doula arrived I felt like I needed her - I had her get out the TENS unit, which I’ve never used before but was eager to try. It was fantastic! She put it on my low back, I controlled the intensity and before a contraction I clicked a boost button that provided this buzzing vibration, which to my understanding helped distract pain signals in the brain and encouraged the release of endorphins. It made me feel like I had one more coping tool to help me get through and it helped take the edge off.

I labored on my kids' playmat in our living room on hands and knees with my upper body draped over the birth ball. I had been feeling my contractions predominantly in the pubic bone. They kind of felt like a squeeze followed by a lightning bolt down the front of my pubic bone, not comfortable by any means, but tolerable. My midwife had suggested when I talked with her over the phone that I might try the lift and tuck move of lifting my belly up and in during contractions and tucking my pelvis slightly. I did a lot of this and shortly after my doula arrived she suggested I try this move while sitting up on the birth ball. I tried it, it was really uncomfortable but it worked because in the contraction that followed I felt a huge shift of the baby, like they dropped down followed by a lot of pressure. I remember saying to my doula at the end of the contraction, “I still need you! I still need the hip squeeze” because the shift felt so intense. Then a huge gush of liquid released all down my legs. I knew immediately it was my water breaking. It was at that moment that everything clicked. This was real labor, this was happening and it was happening now. I labored for another maybe two contractions before I started feeling pushy. Was I in transition already? I felt like I was just questioning if I was even in active labor. Things had clearly taken off so I stopped questioning it. Our doula immediately told Nate to stop what he was doing and call the midwife.

Our doula and I walked to the bathroom where I labored on the toilet. I felt so much pressure to bare down at this point so sitting on the toilet definitely felt like the place to be. I had maybe two more contractions there. The birth tub wasn’t filled, the bathtub we’d left water in after my bath was barely filled, I realized my options were limited and time was running out and in a moment of panic I screamed “Oh my god, I’m going to have a toilet baby!”. Another contraction hit and the urge to push was all consuming. I roared as I pushed in a way that felt like a person giving birth in a movie. My doula said if I wanted to give birth in the birth tub I had to go NOW and as long as I could keep my bottom in the water I should be good. I told her I understood and we walked back to the living room where the tub was set up, 2/3rds inflated and filled only about ⅓ of the way with water. It would have to do.

With my prior births my kids made a slow descent down with so much work pushing, this time it felt like I couldn’t hold this baby back if I tried. When I got in the tub I asked what time it was. Would this baby be born before midnight or after midnight on my birthday? I can’t remember the exact time but it was early enough that I knew we weren’t going to make it to midnight. I can’t believe how fast this all unfolded. I realized the midwives were not going to make it in time. What if the baby came out not breathing? I felt simultaneously panicked but also needing to stay out of my head and in my body. Within a minute my baby’s head emerged. In my previous births I remember vividly birthing my babies heads, the pressure and the stretching and the intensity will forever be seared into my mind. This time felt so different. This baby’s head was coming and there was no stopping it, I don’t think I even had to push at this point. My baby and my body were doing all the work for me. I also don’t have much memory of pain at all, in fact, when I reached down and felt their head I remember thinking “it’s tiny! I hope they are fully developed”.

Frankie has been talking about wanting to be IN the birth tub with me to help catch the baby since before I got pregnant. We had her bathing suit cued up, we’d prepped her thoroughly so the first thing I said once the head was born was “Go get Frankie, Go get Frankie!”. Nate was able to rattle her awake enough to get her over to the couch to watch but she declined getting in the tub. She was so tired. On the next contraction my baby’s body came out. I have always admired birth videos where they bring the baby up to the surface of the water slowly but in my prior two births it all happened so fast they just flew up. This time I actually wrote in my birth plan for my providers and doula to remind me to slow down. And this time I remembered! I reached down and held them there for a moment, then slowly lifted them up.

The first thing I remember is seeing my baby stare up at me, eyes wide open. The moment I saw them every bit of anxiety and effort melted away. They were alive, they started crying as they looked up at me. They were so tiny and beautiful. I remember being in utter shock when my first two babies were born, this time felt so much different. I was in my body and my mind, I instantly knew how to care for and love this baby and started talking to them and rubbing their back to stimulate breathing. All of my fears melted away. The next minute the midwives flew into the door. “We had a baby!” I shouted. The energy of the room felt triumphant with a bit of shock and awe mixed in. One of the midwives who arrived at the birth had seen me just the day before and given the bad news that my cervix wasn’t looking ready. She said she couldn’t believe that was only yesterday.

Such an important reminder that dilation, the thinness of the cervix, and the baby’s station does NOT tell us anything about when a baby will arrive. They capture what is going on in a particular moment in time, that’s it.

Looking back at Nate’s call log, I was shocked to see how fast things really unfolded. It looked like this:

11:22pm called the midwife to tell them my water broke

11:35pm texted that I’m pushing and he didn’t have time to move the car

11:38pm called the midwife to say baby is here

The midwives said the baby looked great and they weren’t worried. She stimulated the baby's feet a bit and the baby let out a more vigorous cry. Then she left to go grab all of her equipment downstairs. We soaked in the baby, in awe of what had just happened. The energy in the room had shifted so quickly. Everything felt so calm and joyous. We waited my whole pregnancy to find out the sex of this baby and when they were born I was in no rush to find out. It felt so good to be able to soak them in for nearly 15 minutes. When I felt ready I turned to Frankie to see if she’d want to tell everyone if it was a brother or sister. She seemed a bit overwhelmed and declined so I looked down and saw that our baby was a little girl. It felt like a relief and affirmation of what I already knew. Eloise June would be her name, but we’d call her Louie. I had a deep conviction that this baby was a girl from midday through my pregnancy. So many aspects of this pregnancy paralleled my pregnancy with Frankie. I had all the same symptoms: more mild nausea, food poisoning at 28 weeks exactly both times, awful acid reflux, that pregnancy line down my belly, and an overall sense of feeling good in my body. I grew up with two brothers and always wanted a sister, being able to give Frankie one felt like a sort of life goal for me.

I sat in the birth tub soaking her in. It felt like bliss. I turned to Nate and told him I feel like our family is complete - something I really never expected to feel.

My pregnancy, birth, and postpartum with Frankie shattered my life into two. It gave me the highest highs and lowest lows. I felt compelled to experience it all again as quickly as possible and to add to our family. My pregnancy, birth, and postpartum with Arlo was the yin to Frankie’s yang in nearly every way. It left me feeling so disconnected from myself, even the color of my hair permanently changed after my birth with Arlo. This pregnancy and birth feels like it closed the circle. It was an opportunity to learn from so many mistakes of the past and mother myself in a way I never got to experience the first two times. But it was also a pregnancy that left me feeling so deeply reconnected back to myself. Maybe it’s in part because she’s a girl, or a Taurus or maybe that our birthdays are only 22 minutes apart, but this baby feels like she completes our family and fills something that has been missing in me. Of course I want to say I reserve the right to change my mind but what I high note to end my birthing journeys on.

The rest of the night unfolded smoothly. Louie latched and started nursing almost immediately. I actually couldn’t wait to try nursing and was so impressed at how quickly she caught on. With a little coaxing from the herbs my midwives gave me, my placenta came easily. It was so much smaller than I remember Arlo’s being. I got out of the tub and into bed, I had a tiny first degree tear that unfortunately needed a couple stitches. Frankie and Arlo went back to bed and the midwives did Louie’s newborn exam. Frankie was 6 pounds 8oz, Arlo was 8 pounds 2 oz so for a while I had this debilitating fear that if the trend continued I would have a 10 pound baby next time. Midway through my pregnancy this fear really went away because I knew in my body that this baby was smaller. In fact, Nate and I recorded our guesses for birth dates and I predicted a birthday of May 11, girl, and 7 pounds 6 oz. I was only 3 days and 1 ounce off. She was 7 pounds 5 oz, 20 inches long. (I also predicted Arlo’s birth weight exactly during a game at my baby sprinkle, but was off on his birth date). Mother’s intuition is so real.

The midwives stayed with us until 5:30am. At one point Arlo woke up and came to our room, then Nate woke Frankie up to go potty because we couldn’t remember the last time she went and she popped in to give me a snuggle and to see Louie. I loved that I could get these moments captured by our doula. When everything settled and the midwives left I found it so hard to sleep. The high I was experiencing was so real. I kept turning to Nate and saying “we did it”. And by it I mean we got a redemptive empowered birth. He turned to me and said “you did it”. But I truly believe it was a collaborative effort.

The next morning, but really only about 3 hours later, was the morning of my birthday but really it felt like Christmas morning. Hearing the kids footsteps into our room made me giddy with excitement. This baby felt so different because not only had Nate and I had a baby, she felt like a gift to our whole family. That night all five of us gathered around our table and sang happy birthday. When I went to blow out the candle I remember thinking, “I have everything I’ve ever wanted”. Louie June, I’ve loved every moment with you. I’m so glad you joined our family.

Louie's Birth Story

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